Oh, I have missed writing on here. I promise, it is the truth. I'm not sure why I have been lead to not write on here for such an extended period of time. Maybe I felt nothing I had to say was worthwhile in the past couple of years to write about.
I know that may sound depressing, but before when I had written so much about life, and especially my spiritual journey, I was surrounded by friends...Godly friends full of faith and influence. Really, it was easy to write. It was easy to be DEEP. The last two years, those things have not come easily...
I don't think it's because there wasn't anything I haven't learned. In fact, I've learned a lot, if not too much about myself...especially in the last year. To be honest, it's made for a difficult year, maybe the hardest of my life. And just in the last few days, there has been a climax in this "troubled" time of mine.
I'm not saying that I fell off the spiritual "horse", if you will. I've done the best I can to be faithful, to believe and to press forward. And yet, I have been feeling like I've been getting no where...not just spiritually, but in life in general.
My job...or jobs if I am to be honest, has been one subject. The complete and utter frustration of feeling like I've been tossed back and forth. Not because I'm not wanted, or can't do a good job. In fact, it's been told I am the opposite of that. But because of circumstances beyond my control...financial cuts and natural disasters... Having a steady, reliable income has been challenging.
My personal life. Dealing with a broken relationship. Giving a piece of my precious heart to a guy who didn't deserve it and didn't want it. Knowing I was used for my companionship by someone who just wanted someone to talk to, not spend his life with. And again, I'm back where I've always been...waiting.
I haven't just been feeling like at I'm a stand still...I have felt beaten down. Not by the just the world but by the One who is suppose to love me most. So many things that I don't understand...why must my heart keep breaking over the same thing? If I am to live on my own, God, than why can't I find a job that would sustain me to do so? I have been faithful for so long...will I ever be rewarded?
These thoughts have made me feel so incredibly selfish. Who do I think I am to not have difficulties? What makes me think I deserve ANYTHING?
This has been the struggle. This constant pull back and forth between my carnal self and my spiritual self. No wonder I have felt so angry, so sad, so lonely, so....forgotten.
BUT GOD...2 of the best words in life. But GOD...
But God gave me a revelation just today. Something that hit me hard enough, I couldn't help by pour my heart out...just in case someone out there needs the revelation too.
You see, what I didn't realize until today is that God gave me EXACTLY what I had asked for. I said to my friend Laura over a year ago..."You know what? I'd rather be the valley. I'd rather be weak...because if that's where I am, I can't do anything. God has to do ALL of it".
Wow. Oh to be reminded of our own prayers....And I don't think that this prayer was foolish, but I do think I didn't understand what I was really asking for. You see, I learned something today through the words of Andrew Murray:
"The Christian often tries to forget his weakness; God wants us to remember it, to feel it deeply. The Christian wants to conquer his weakness and to be freed from it; God wants us to rest and even rejoice in it. The Christian mourns over his weakness; Christ teaches His servant to say, 'Most gladly will I glory in my infirmities (2 Cor 12:9). The Christian thinks that his weaknesses are his greatest hindrance in the life and service of God; God tells us that it is the secret to strength and success. It is our weakness, heartily accepted and continually realized, that gives us our claim and access to the strength of Him who has said, 'My strength is made perfect in weakness'."
I have been doing all these things. I said I preferred to be weak but I haven't let God do all these wonderful things that He wants to do with my weakness. I have been seeking self righteousness...thinking weakness would be "MORE HOLY", and I would be all the MORE holy if I could overcome these weaknesses! Yet, I've been striving..working....struggling...to do something I can't do AT ALL. Because I'm not suppose to overcome my weakness...I'm suppose to find His strength IN it.
This year, I've been asking why God has let certain things happen, why when I feel like something is going my way, FINALLY,... it suddenly turns to dust.
Self sanctification does that. To paraphrase Murray again:
"The Christian is in danger of seeking sanctification in the power of the flesh, with the help of Christ, instead of looking to Christ alone for it and receiving it from Him by faith....one is the carnal way, in which we put forth our utmost efforts and resolutions, trusting in Christ to help us do so. The other is the spiritual way, in which, as those who have died and can do nothing, our one care is to receive Christ day by day, and at every step to let Him live and work in us."
WOW.
Lord, rid me of my carnality. I don't want to labour in vain anymore.
So friends, a revelation which hasn't quite sunk in yet, but I pray I'm reminded of every morning....
I'm DONE with self. I want HIM.
"We have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us". 2 Cor 4:7
